Archive for April, 2009

May 1. Sunderland, England. Caroline Cartwright,48, was jailed by local magistrates yesterday for breaching an order to keep the noise down when enjoying rumpy-pumpy with her husband Steve.

Cartwright was originally given an ASBO on April 17, banning her from “making excessive noise” anywhere in England but especally in her bedroom. She was also ordered to pack in knocking, shouting, screaming, playing loud music or vocalisation that can be heard in neighbouring properties.

Despite the order, the randy housewife was soon at it again and police arrested her on April 18, 22 and 26 after neighbours complained about early morning shouting, moaning, groaning and the sound of a bed banging against the wall.  The trial date is set for May 5th, a custodial sentence beckons.

However, apart from having to have sex with a really ugly woman, Steve appears to have got off pretty lightly, at least when they lock her up the rather knackered looking hubby can have a bit of a rest.

(picture courtesy of The Daily Mail, where this kind of thing is par for the course)

May 1, Victoria, Canada. While there is nothing wrong with a bit of impromptu nookie, it probably helps the mood if you choose a half decent location.

This did not worry a couple of randy Canadians yesterday, when they thought the best place for a quick game of hide-the-sausage was in a large bin at the back of a restaurant, brim full of rotting food.

A police officer (we’d have loved to have had a play on words about him being a Mountie but sadly he wasn’t one) arrived at a car park where he heard strange noises coming from a large dumpster.

When he looked inside, he was surprised to see two stark naked adults, going at it like the clappers and completely oblivious to his presence.

The lovebirds, a 30-year-old woman and a 26-year-old man, were ordered to put their clothes on and get out. The man was arrested on an unrelated matter, presumably being a rubbish lover and the woman was told to go home.

Who says romance is dead?

April 30, Burnley, England. A fifty year old mother from Burnley has spent £12,000 on having a new pair of norks fitted so that she can look more like her daughter, Jane, 29.

Apart from the fake knockers, which ironically appear to be much bigger than her daughters real ones, Janet Cunliffe (left) has had her eyes, nose and lips done, though we suggest maybe a brain transplant should be next on the list of operations.

According to the gruesome twosome, they often get mistaken for sisters when they go out though this may be down to the fact that Burnley has the lowest number of opticians per head of population in the western world.

Unless the BBC has taken it down on the grounds of good taste, there is a video of these two bonkers women for you to enjoy, if enjoy is the right word…

April 28. Hong Kong. In an attempt to smooth over a difficult relationship with her employer, an Indonesian maid, Indra Ningsih, decided to add some of her menstrual blood to her masters soup.

Now there are lots of ways to please the boss but adding some of your once-a-month treat to his minestrone is not thought to be one of them.

Indra,26, has been charged with one count of “administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure” and is up before the judge on May 13.

The fate of the soup is not known but it was last seen throwing an almighty strop before slamming a few doors and bursting into tears

April 25. Monterey, California. USA. Even thinking about committing armed robbery in California, where prison sentences tend to be on the harsh side, is stupid enough but to complicate the job with a dodgy disguise is bound to end up with a long stretch in chokey.

According to Central Coast News, one Armando Navarette burst into the Union Bank of California in Prunedale, armed to the teeth and wearing a full face mask and just to be on the safe side - a disguise underneath.
Navarette held a gun to a cashiers head and demanded money, before legging it with over $40,000.

Sadly for Armando, one of his false eyebrows fell off and a quick DNA check lead the boys in blue right to our mans front door.

Quite why Navarette felt the need to have false eyebrow’s is anybody’s guess as the real pair he has are impressive enough.

Sentencing is scheduled for May 22, 2009, before Judge Russell ‘Cell Block’ Scott.

Navarette faces up to 30 years in prison, the eyebrow has been given a community service order.

April 22. Beijing. China. The Great Wall of China, which has been up and finished for some 2,000 years, has now been discovered to be an extra 189 miles long.

Now China is a big place, but even so, you would have thought that somebody would have noticed nearly 200 miles of 15 ft high stone wall before now.

However, the mystery appears to have been solved, as when the Chinese official with the tape measure eventually got to the end of the wall, he found a group of holidaying Polish workers had decided to finish the job. They had also begun to tarmac it and install light sockets.

Reports that the British Government have asked the Poles to come and hurry up the Olympic project in London are believed to be wide of the mark…

April 19. Centreville, USA. A would-be teenage car thief, intent on doing what car thieves like to do, was so surprised to find a police officer sitting in the car he had targeted, that he promptly filled his pants.

According to Salt Lake City’s ‘Deseret News’ the incident occurred around 1am last Saturday as Salt Lake County sheriff’s deputy, Chad Taylor, was returning to his Centerville home from working a shift. He had just stopped in his driveway when he spotted the clueless 16 year old creeping up on the car in the rear view mirror.

Said Deputy Taylor; “As soon as his hand goes to check my handle, I kick the door open and said, stop right there! Police! It went very quiet then I heard him crap himself”
The criminal mastermind decided to leg it but with undercrackers full of last nights dinner it wasn’t easy.

“One officer spotted him with night-vision goggles going into a house,” Lt. Paul Child said, “However once we were in there the goggles weren’t needed, you could smell him a mile off”

April 10. Newark, USA. You would assume that somebody with a name as daft as Kile Wygle, who chooses to travel around town on a bar stool strapped to a lawnmower engine, is asking for trouble and yes, our intrepid Mr Wygle found it.

Kile, 28, is plainly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, as he was of the opinion that as it was legal to get drunk on a bar stool then surely it would be fine in the eyes of the law to then drive it home.

However, at over six feet tall and weighing in at 18 stone, our intrepid hero, having had 15 beers, was probably not best equipped to drive the stool home – let alone attempt a U-turn on it while doing 30 mph.

The police found Wygle badly injured at the side of the road and have since relieved him of his driving licence and preferred mode of transport.